


What My Heart Desires

by Dahliaxat68



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Drama, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Sex, Violence, bond
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-22
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2017-11-12 15:49:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 15,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/492947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dahliaxat68/pseuds/Dahliaxat68
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Spock's aborted marriage, he begins to be more drawn to the captain than before. Their friendship had been the glue that cemented their friendship and made them the most envious team in Starfleet.</p><p>But something happened during that exchange on that dry planet of Spock's birth. Something that has now also affected Jim in the process. </p><p>But deep down buried in Jim's past is something he never wished to reveal, now it seems he has no choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  
Spock's shift had ended and he was looking forward to engaging in a challenging game of chess with his captain. How long had the ritual been going on? Spock could not recall. He found it most peculiar since he had a mind that remembered in great detail events that had transpired in his life.  
  
He only knew now that he needed the captain's presence. Whenever he was not in control of his emotions he found that chess helped greatly. It negated the erratic invading emotions and put them at bay. He felt that sometimes the mere presence of the Captain was more calming than five hours of meditation. Not logical but it was the truth.  
  
Lately, he had noticed a more deeper connection with his captain, his friend. A friend he had acknowledged on the sands of his home planet.  
  
The sight of his friend lying still beneath him still made his heart ache, he had never thought that he could be so violent. Surak was right, the tight reigning in of emotion was their only way. Unleashed, he shuddered to even contemplate it.   
  
It had been three months since the incident. Something he wished never to experience again. But he knew that it would not be the case, for he would burn again.  
  
Spock walked down the corridor of the Enterprise. His step strong and confident that today the captain would not change his plans this evening. The game of chess had such a calming effect. When the captain had to cancel due to being fatigued or busy engaging in other activities not including himself he felt he could not describe the sensation.  
  
It felt like he was telling him that he had more important things to do than to spend time with him. His chest would always hurt when his mind wandered there. Why would his chest hurt when he had not injured it in any physical contact, but it was there nonetheless.   
  
As Spock was contemplating his dilemma he was not paying attention to where he was going and nearly knocked the wind out of his captain. They exchanged appologies and than the captain spoke.  
  
"Hey, you seem to be in a hurry. Going somewhere?" Jim smiled as he looked at his friend.  
  
"I was merely being punctual for our game of chess this evening." Spock said truthfully.  
  
"Yes, about that. I am sorry Spock I am going to have to cancel. I have a date with Dr. McCoy. I know you don't partake in shore leave but I promised the good doctor that we would go exploring tonight. You know Spock how McCoy likes the check out the bars and the ladies. I myself am looking forward to stretch my legs and engage in a little fun." Jim smiled again.  
  
Spock could not speak, he felt as though someone had violently ripped his heart from his side.

  
He felt sick, a surge a vertigo struck him and he almost fell, but the captain was there to steady him. His touch felt exquisite and he found that he wanted more. His logical mind cried out to control and he managed just barely.  
After his body began to settle a sense of jealousy began to emanate from his mind.  
  
"Steady there Spock. Are you ill? Do you want me to get McCoy?" Jim spoke concerned.  
  
"You wished to play chess with me tonight and you cancelled yesterday and now again. You no longer seek my presence?" Spock spoke a hint of sadness in his voice.  
  
"Of course not Spock. I enjoy are games of chess. I just promised McCoy a night out. You understand don't you?"  
  
"Yes, certainly." Spock answered stiffly.  
  
"Good. Well I'm off. Hopefully the time away will help me to relax, and get rid of this damn headache."  
  
Spock wished to flee. He longer wanted to stay in the same physical space with his friend.  
  
"Good evening Captain." Spock spoke quickly before his commanding officer could see his bitter expression.  
  
He walked briskly, almost taking another crewman down.  
  
Finally, in his familiar quarters he felt relieved. He was away from the emotional humans. But what of himself. He acted irrationally towards his commanding officer.   
  
Of course the captain had every right to spend time with his Chief Surgeon. He was his friend after all. But even though in his mind it was logical, he felt something in the pit of his belly.  
  
A strong need, a desire of wanting that friendship only for himself. But that would be selfish.   
  
Why did he felt betrayed? Why couldn't he accept the fact that he wasn't the captain's best friend after all.  
  
A moment of panic struck him and he wondered what was happening to him. He was acting so possessively that it shocked him.  
  
He tried to reach the bed and the vertigo hit him again. What did the captain say? He tried to remember. A headache, the captain was experiencing, pain. And it dawned on him that he was the cause.  
  
He needed to meditate, he tried to look at the Watcher. He needed to be near it now. He needed to know what needed to be done. But everything became a blur as the fire pot continued to shine bright, and he lay unconscious near it. 


	2. What My Heart Desires

McCoy smiled to himself as he packed his carry on bag. He gathered all the necessities he needed for the planned shore leave he had been waiting for.   
  
He was glad that Starfleet had finally realized that some R&R was just what the doctor ordered. After the affair with Altair, and the trip to Vulcan before that, they so needed this. Jim, needed it most of all.   
  
McCoy stopped his movements as he placed the last items in his bag and reflected on those events. It was such a desperate move he had decided last minute. To inject something in his best friend to cause death was not something he signed up for Starfleet. Jim, as he recalled had said the same thing about killing his best friend.  
  
Damn, best friends those two were. Inseparable. Glued to the hip. They seemed to be even more connected, if that was even possible. But, this time, his friend was going to spend it with him. And they were going to get plenty drunk and get laid til the cows came home.  
  
The door of McCoy's quarters buzzed, making the good doctor, jolt in surprise. He smiled once again, knowing it was Jim, and removed the lock, allowing him entrance.  
  
"Hi Bones." Jim walked in but his usual step of buoyant humor was missing.  
  
McCoy looked at his friend and had a strange feeling.   
  
"Hello Jim. I'm packed and ready to paint the town red. I've planned our whole itinerary. We are going to have so much fun." McCoy's voice dripping with glee.  
  
"Damn, Bones. I, I, really don't..." Kirk's word were cut off.  
  
"Oh no you don't. You can't cancel on me Jim. We have been planning this. You and me, ladies galore, scantily clad. Come on. We just can't miss this chance." McCoy responded with a mix of anger and sadness.  
  
"I don't feel good leaving Spoc.."  
  
"Again with the hobgoblin. We can't have a decent conversation and the topic changes to him. Why can't you let him be?"  
  
"I didn't realize that having another friend beside yourself would make you jealous. I need to know if he's all right Bones. What happened to him was life altering. He had to fight me, and thought he killed me. I have to be there so that he knows I don't blame him for what happened."  
  
The captain started to pace the small quarters of his CMO. He had felt horrible about cancelling his evening chess game with Spock. McCoy had insisted that he take a break. He had wanted for him to stop spending so much time with his science officer. A task, Jim thought was far easier said than done.  
  
McCoy looked at his friend as he continued to wear out the carpet.   
  
"Jim. Spock is a grown man. I know it wasn't easy, what he had to do. But, that was the way of his people."   
  
"I can't help it, Bones. I need him. I need him beside me. We are the best team in Starfleet, and I want that again."  
  
"You will. Give it time."  
  
"I wish I.." Jim words were abruptly stopped as he felt a surge of vertigo hit him.  
  
"Jim!! What is it?" McCoy's voice raised in concern.  
  
"I'm not sure. I just felt so sick. It seems to be better now."  
  
"Well, I'm not taking any chances."   
  
McCoy took out his tricorder from his carry-on bag and checked his friends lifesigns.  
  
"Your heart beat is a bit faster. Stress level indicates.."  
  
"Bones, I ..I have to go." Jim was already out the door.  
  
"Where the hell are you off to?"  
  
But the captain knew exactly where to go.


	3. What My Heart Desires

McCoy had to keep up as he tried to bridge the gap between his friend, who had for no reason left his chief surgeon's cabin in a blind panic. The captain had experienced momentarily a sense of vertigo, and pain. But, it had happened so quickly and was gone, leaving the doctor dumbfounded. He had wanted to analyze his findings more precisely, but the male subject had fled.   
  
McCoy could finally make out Jim, up ahead. He seemed to know exactly where he was going. Of course, he realized now, where the trail was leading to. His First Officer's cabin. McCoy sighed, not wanting to believe it. Again, the doctor had failed to keep those two apart, to give them some breathing room. and also to give his other friend, himself, some quality time. But, it seemed, whatever he tried to do, kept falling on deaf ears.  
  
Jim's time on Vulcan with Spock was not what anyone had expected. All they were going there for was a wedding. And what happened instead? They bring back a corpse. In the end, Jim made it after all. It seemed like he always did. But, what was it with him and the hobgoblin?  
  
He was going to find out in a minute, and nothing could pry him away from this spot, nothing."  
  
"Jim, would you hold on a minute." McCoy screamed the words.  
  
They both arrived at Spock's doorstep.   
  
"What do you want, Bones?" Jim responded annoyed with his friend following him.  
  
"I want answers. And dammit, I am going to get them, either from you or your friend." McCoy's voice rose as he spoke.  
  
"Fine. Bones, I, for a moment, I, felt him calling me here. And, now, nothing."  
  
Jim stared at McCoy, pleading him to give him the answers that he so desperately needed.  
  
"You felt him?" McCoy asked curiously.  
  
"I can't explain it, even if I wanted to. He was inside my head, and then he was gone. I need to know, Bones. I need to see him." replied the captain anxiously.  
  
"All right Jim. We'll go together." McCoy's hand pressed firmly the shoulder of his friend for support.  
  
Jim rang the buzzer, and again. Nothing. It was time for action. Thinking of calling security, Jim decided first to see if the door was locked. It wasn't. The doors parted and the heated billowed out of the room, taking their guests breaths away.  
  
"I'll never get used to the heat." McCoy mumbled to himself.   
  
They cautiously entered the room, and were met with darkness. The Watcher was the only thing glowing steadily.   
  
"I don't think Spock is here, Jim. Maybe he's in the lab. You know how he is with his experim.." McCoy's words were cut off as he stumbled to the floor.  
  
"Bones. What is it?"   
  
"I tripped Jim. Sorry. Can we get a bit more light in here. I can't see a damn thing."  
  
"Lights, fifty percent."  
  
The moment the lights came on, Jim had been correct.  
  
Laying on the ground, was Spock. Alive? They were going to find out.


	4. What My Heart Desires

The hot, dry air, in Spock's room was getting to be uncomfortable. McCoy was starting to sweat because of it. Not being sure if it was the heat, or the utter anxiety he was feeling. Was Spock alive? What had happened to him, that would cause him to collapse?   
  
McCoy cursed to himself for not bringing his medical tricorder with him. But, instead he examined Spock the old fashion way, by checking his pulse. It was there, but beating much quicker than it was normal for the Vulcan/Human hybrid.  
  
McCoy's thoughts were interrupted by the man next to him.  
  
"Bones, for god's sake, will you tell me if he's alive or not?" Kirk replied in a blind panic.  
  
"Sorry, Jim. Yes, he's alive. I forgot my tricorder, but I took his pulse. It's a bit fast, almost like yours was."  
  
"There's a big difference here, doctor. I am alive while he's not moving one damn bit." Kirk's anger rose.  
  
"Look, Jim. I can't make a proper diagnosis, without my tricorder. He needs to be taken to sickbay. I'll call someone up with a gurney."  
  
"Don't bother, I'll take him." Jim replied as he bent down to carry his friend.  
  
"Jim, are you sure. It's a ways to sickbay. And you weren't feeling all that great a moment ago, what if it comes back?"   
  
"I'm fine, Bones. Come on, let's go." Jim replied quickly.  
  
"All right. But the moment, we're in sickbay, I'm checking you out a second time."   
  
"Fine."   
  
Spock was not easy to carry. He was much more heavy than Jim realized he would be. But, Jim was not going to admit it. He had no time to explain to his crew why he was carrying Spock in such a hurry, but he could see the worried glances they gave him and McCoy.  
  
The doors to sickbay finally opened and Jim was glad to find an empty bio-bed. He carefully placed Spock there and awaited McCoy's analysis.  
  
The bio-bed lit up as the readings started to fluctuate. They leveled off moments later, relieving the tension somewhat in the room.  
  
"Is it bad, Bones?" Jim asked worried about his close friend.  
  
"It seems his readings are stabilizing. His blood pressure is in reasonable norms. Well, for him anyway. His heart beat as slowed somewhat. I am going to have to ask M' Benga on this. He is more an expert on Vulcan physiology, that I am Jim. It's good to have a second opinion."   
  
"Can you at least tell, if he's in pain?" Jim's asked worried, not knowing if his friend was suffering.  
  
"He's unconscious, Jim. That's as much as I can say for now. Until, I get M'Benga and my staff on this, we're in the dark. But, the stress indicator does show a decrease. I'm sorry, Jim. I wish I could be more help."  
  
"Where is M'Benga now?"  
  
"I do believe he was first rotation. He took shore leave yesterday morning."   
  
"Contact, him. He needs to be here. I need ans...We need answers, the Enterprise can't function without him."  
  
"I'll get right on it, Jim. Don't worry. We will find out what is wrong with Spock. You have my word."  
  
"Thanks Bones."   
  
"How are you, Jim. I promised to check you out, the moment we arrived?"  
  
"I am fine doctor, Spock is your main patient. He comes first."  
  
McCoy couldn't argue with him and responded with a quick nod.  
  
He left to contact M'Benga. Before leaving he watched as the captain of the Enterprise stood next to his Science Officer. He cared very much for him, that was very apparent. McCoy didn't see though the hand that held that close friend.


	5. What My Heart Desires

It was late evening aboard the Enterprise and Sickbay was quiet. Jim Kirk stared at the still form of his First  Officer lying unconscious in bed. The Captain gazed at the monitors overhead wishing he knew if his friend was getting better or worse. Not realizing where his thoughts were going he had inadvertantly placed his hand upon Spock's hand to let him know that he was not alone, that his friend was near. Doing so, the readings over Spock's bed started to fluctuate. Jim quickly removed his hand from Spock's and contacted McCoy.  
McCoy quickly entered sickbay with Dr. M'Benga in tow.   
  
Doctor Jabilo Geoffrey M'Benga was a human Starfleet officer, and one of the first human doctors to specialize in Vulcan medicine. It had been just over a month he had been assigned to the USS Enterprise and became a valuable part of Dr. Leonard McCoy's team.  
  
Dr. M'Benga graduated from Starfleet Medical School in 2257, and was assigned to Vulcan, where he interned in a Vulcan ward for several years, increasing his knowledge of Vulcan physiology and psychology.  
  
The two doctors approached the Captain and began to check the readings of their patient.  
  
"Bones, how is he? Why are the readings moving like that?"  
  
"Whatever happened Jim it looks like he's stabilizing. Did you notice something different when they started to fluctuate?"  
  
Jim feeling embarrassed didn't want to say what he did, but decided that it was best to relay any information. It could save Spock's life.  
  
"I ...I just placed my hand upon his to reassure him that he wasn't alone, that I was near." Jim replied his embarrassment apparent.   
  
"That may have done the trick. Dr. M'Benga needs to know a few things, do you mind?" McCoy replied, his hand resting on his friends shoulder as he smiled.  
  
"No, of course not, whatever I can do to help. I am sorry Doctor I made you leave shore leave." Jim replied feeling bad about the situation.  
  
"This is where I belong Captain, in the full recovery of Commander Spock."  
  
"Thank you Doctor." Jim smiled.  
  
"May we proceed? Dr. McCoy has told me that you and your First Officer showed similar signs from the readings that he took. That you felt ill just before leaving the ship, is that correct?"  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
"I would like to know if there was any physical contact when you last encountered him?" M'Benga asked, his expression attentive.  
  
"Let me think," Jim began to pace sickbay, and tried to recall the event. "I told Bones I had bumped into him hard he pulled me up with his one arm and I....I don't remember..."  
  
"Please captain it is very important...did you touch him anywhere else or did he..."  
  
"I remember being pulled up and I steadied myself by grabbing the back of his neck when I stood and I brushed his face with my hand for an instant. I didn't remember it because the movements were so fast I dismissed it. Come to think of it my hand itched like a bugger for a few minutes and then it was gone. Does that mean anything Doctor?"  
  
"It may. Commander Spock's attitude towards you when you left him to meet Dr. McCoy was of what nature?"  
  
Jim hesitated...he knew Spock had ran the gamut of emotions when he was with him. He relayed his findings to the doctors.  
  
"This is only my feelings that I got from him after I had time to myself to think about it more thoroughly. At first when he saw me he was anxious, then he became disappointed, Does that help at all?"  
  
"I just have one more question. I have been on this ship for only a month. Has anything transpired on the Enterprise regarding Mr. Spock, that I have not been informed about?"  
  
"Doctor McCoy hasn't told you? About what he went through a few months ago." Jim asked M'Benga trying not to remember the incident himself.  
  
"No, he hasn't. I should be informed about all pertinent information regarding Mr. Spock. That is what I am here for."  
  
"Of course Geoffrey, but don't blame me. Blame the Vulcans, they don't talk about it. It's taboo or something. We hardly have any information about it ourselves."  
  
"Do you mean, has Spock gone through pon farr?"  
  
"Ah, you've heard of it. Actually, no. His fiance, I actually have another name for her, but I'm a gentlemen and won't say it out loud, even though I'm thinking it. She, T' something or other cancelled the whole thing and wanted a challenge. And guess who she chose?"  
  
"The Captain." M'Benga replied answering McCoy's question in seconds.  
  
"You guessed it. They fought, and it was a fight to the death. They of course didn't bother to relay that information before it was too late to back out. Oh, we could have, but Jim here thought they'd think of him as a coward, so he accepted. To make a long story short, Jim needed a way out fast, he was not doing well with the heat and the thin atmosphere, so I had to do something, so I gave him a neural paralyzer.  
  
As you know the drug causes a cessation of detectable heartbeat and respiration in a humanoid patient, creating the appearance of death. A close examination, however, would reveal the ruse. Neural paralyzers can be fatal if not treated in a timely manner. However, a full recovery is possible and likely if patient receives medical treatment in time. So, I had to get Jim back on board fast."  
  
"So. Mr. Spock won. Did he not mate with his fiance?"  
  
"No. That's the strangest thing of all. He didn't. The moment he thought he had killed the Captain, the need to mate had disappeared."  
  
"I see. From the information you have relayed to me the only conclusion I can come up with is that he has formed a spontaneous link. A very fragile one that has not been completed. He is seeking completion."  
  
"You're kidding." McCoy replied shocked.  
  
"No, I am not. The Captain and Mr. Spock are close friends are they not?"  
  
"The best."  
  
"Is there more to this relationship that I am not query about?"  
  
"What are you getting at Geoff? That Jim and hobgob.. I mean Spock, are together romantically?" McCoy asked not believing his ears.  
  
"Yes. I wish to know if there is a sexual component to this relationship."   
  
"Of course not. That's ridiculous. I know Jim better than anyone. He's always been with girls. A man? No. Never."  
  
McCoy laughed, thinking it was the funniest thing ever.  
  
Jim had not said anything for such a long time that you'd have thought he had left the room. The captain was there listening to everything and feeling very, very nervous.  
  
"I'm sorry Bones. But, you don't know the half of it." Jim replied sadly.  
  
"What are you talking about?" McCoy's laughter disappeared, replaced with concern.  
  
"I..I swear to you, I was going to tell you one day." His best friend dreading what he had to say.   
  
"What? Tell me what dammit?"   
  
"I had sexual relations, with only two men."   
  
"Well, I guess I didn't know you, like I thought I did. Who were the lucky men?"  
  
Jim was shaking. ~Breathe. You can do this. Remember what you learned at the clinic.~  
  
"He was my best friend. And, I had to kill him. It was Gary Mitchell."  
  
Doctor McCoy's eyes grew wide with shock.   
  
"I didn't know. You, mentioned there was two. Who was the other?" McCoy asked curiously.  
  
"Dammit Bones, I swear, I was going to tell you."  
  
"It's okay, Jim. Tell me now. Who was it?"  
  
"I was only fourteen. Fourteen, Bones." Jim was shaking again.  
  
"Well, that's nothing. Lots of kids have sex at a young age. In fact many boast about it."  
  
"Do they boast about the fact that they were raped?"  
  
"What?" McCoy replied dumbfounded.  
  
"You heard me. I was raped Bones. And the man who raped me was Kodos."

Chapter End Notes:


	6. What My Heart Desires

  


  
Utter silence filled sickbay except for the thrumming beat of the readings above Spock's bio-bed. The declaration of what transpired a few minutes ago sent chills in the room even when there was heat in abundance. Captain James T. Kirk had just spoken three little words. Three words that shocked Dr. McCoy to the core of his being.  
  
"Tell me Jim I didn't hear what you said."  
  
"You heard right." Jim's words were barely discernible.  
  
McCoy could hardly speak but he managed to utter one word.  
  
"When?"  
  
Jim sighed, what he remembered all those years ago, was a complete blur. He remembered the experience with Kodos only recently during his stay at a private clinic he went to. He had not told a soul to anyone, and had managed to keep it secret. An excuse was given to hide his tracks for those two weeks. But, those two weeks had told him what he dreaded to hear. That he had been violated by a much older man.  
  
"It happened twenty five years ago. I was only fourteen at the time."  
  
"Where did this happen? Why didn't you tell me about this?" McCoy's gaze caring.  
  
"Bones, please forgive me. You are my best friend, I wanted to tell you believe me, but I couldn't. I was so ashamed," said Jim his voice shaking.  
  
"Alright, I..I can understand that it must have been a horrible experience. Did you not seek any treatment? You do realize there is help for rape victims."  
  
"Yes, I know. The thing is I couldn't remember the incident. Just recently, I have been experiencing nightmares. You remember when I wasn't sleeping well?"  
  
"Yes, I remember. I thought the red pills were doing the trick."  
  
"No. They weren't. I was getting flashbacks Bones. This was not to long after Kodos boarded the ship."  
  
"Did this happen on Tarsus IV?"  
  
"Yes." Jim ran a hand over his left brow. He was uneasy relaying the information to his horrific experience. But, Bones, deserved to know the truth.  
  
"These flashbacks, you were beginning to remember something."  
  
"Yes. I think, I just buried the experience so deep that I couldn't face it. And then, I just..went on with my life. But, I think it did affect me subconsciously without me even realizing it."  
  
Moments later, a memory came to McCoy.   
  
"Those two weeks you were gone. You got help didn't you?"  
  
"I had someone, help me remember. I'm trying to deal with it Bones. It hasn't been easy."  
  
"You could have came to me. I'm your best friend, your physician. Why didn't you?" McCoy's voice was laced with sorrow, and hurt.  
  
"I didn't want to bring you down Bones. I know now, I should have trusted you."  
  
"It's okay. You can tell me now." McCoy's arm reached up to squeeze Jim's shoulder in friendship.  
  
Before Jim spoke Dr. M'Benga signalled Dr. McCoy to approach him. He spoke to him out of Jim's earshot.  
  
"Leonard, I am pleased that the conversation is developping at this speed. I am afraid though that my presence may jeopardize the healing that the captain seeks. I shall leave you for a bit, keep talking to him, be there for him. Don't judge, he is very vulnerable right now. Also, continue to monitor Spock, he should be entering his healing trance soon. Let me know when that comes to be. Good luck Leonard."  
  
Jim stared blindly, looking at nothing even though he was focusing on the floor. There was so much shame in him right now that to look at his friend's face made him want to retreat in the safety net of his mind.  
  
He was concentrating so hard on the floor and his feet that he never heard the door open to exit Dr. M'Benga out of sickbay.  
  
"I was around fourteen when my brother Sam and I were sent to Tarsus IV to stay with my aunt and uncle. Our parents thought it would do us some good to stay there for the summer and be more independent, learn a few things. Sam and I had a great time, making friends with other people there. That is where I met Kevin Riley. Then the plague struck and wiped out all the food. There was probably food elsewhere not affected by the plague that wiped out the crops but it was hidden somewhere, we knew nothing about it."  
  
Jim took a deep breath and continued.  
  
"Since the plague was contagious the planet was quarantined and no one could leave. Relief was needed immediately and it was sent by subspace. The planet was situated far away from any immediate help. It would take time. People began to panic and Govenor Kodos had to control the populace. His orders were explicit. The situation was desperate. Decisions had to be made. He ordered the deaths of many, the old, the young. Four thousand people were butchered, but it didn't have to happen, if only relief had come in time."  
  
Jim asked McCoy for a glass of water. McCoy went to get him some. Jim drank it all at once not realizing how thirsty he was.  
  
"Sam and I escaped during the night when we began to hear the screams echoing all around us. We were so scared. We ran as fast as our legs could carry us not knowing where it would lead us. There was bodies everywhere we went. Kodos's men used anything and everything at their disposal. The grenades were the worse. The smell of rotten flesh and dismembered body parts laid a sickened path of death everywhere we went. We needed to hide. Sam tripped over some pertruding object half buried in the ground. It ripped the skin of his left leg open shooting blood in a straight path as we scurried like mice. I fabricated a tourniquet to stop the bleeding. I began to worry that the blood that had left my brother would be our death. It left a trail like the famous story of Hansel and Gretel.

We finally came upon an abandoned building and hid there from the authorities. Time passed, we were so exhausted, so scared. This had been going on for already three days, the killing, the mayhem. When would it end, we didn't know.

I looked at my brother Sam and noticed he looked pale and was sweating. As I touched his forehead I realized he was running a fever. He must have gotten an infection from the wound. He needed medicine right away but of course I had none. I had nothing to give my brother and in despair I waited death. I held my brother in my arms and waited. He was beginning to convulse and thrash, and I held tighter, and I waited for the grim reaper to take us both, he never came."  
  
McCoy listened to Jim, he couldn't believe that his friend hadn't told him of this part of his life. He didn't want to admit it to Jim but he felt saddened. He realized though that you have to walk a mile in one man's shoes to understand where there coming from. He felt that he was walking that mile now.  
  
"When I saw Kodos's men staring down at us I thought it to be the end. But I didn't want to give up so I told them I would do anything if they saved my brother. Intrigued by my statement they ordered us to walk back to Kodos's house. Kodos was certainly informed about my declaration to do anything for the safety of my brother. Because not long after I stood in front of the man that ruined my young adult life."


	7. What My Heart Desires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The ending to this chapter is not something everyone will be comfortable with. But, in order to understand what Jim went through, I decided to add it. There will be more in the next chapters, fixing this as I go along. Thank you for reading.

Again silence filled the air around them. Spock lay motionless but for the moment stable. McCoy's throat was dry, the confession that Jim was speaking sent chills down his spine. All he could do was to be there for his friend, to be a sounding board. He wanted to erase his captain's pain but he could not. The only thing he could offer was his presence. He tried to project the feeling of understanding of support for his friend but he wondered to himself if it was enough.  
  
Jim was cold, as he shivered relaying the events from his youth. The words kept coming from his mouth in almost great detail. The events that happened to him poured out of him like a dam giving way water rushing with no means to stop the flow.  
  
"When I looked up to face Kodos my eyes begged him to save my brother's life. I told him that I would do anything if he would grant me this one wish. If I had known what he had wanted, death would have been a better companion."  
  
"Jim...please don't say such things. I am here for you. You are a very brave individual. I value our friendship, please continue." McCoy replied kindly.  
  
Jim stared at McCoy almost lost in thought. He decided that he could not hide what had happened to him, he needed to be understood.  
  
"I waited there staring at him, pleading with my eyes. After a moment he looked at me and said that he would grant it. He ordered the guards to take my brother and tend to his needs. He said not to worry and that I would see him momentarily. His voice was calm, he then asked my name."   
  
25 years ago  
  
"My dear child what is your name?" 

"My name is James T. Kirk."

"James. Strong name. Your brother's needs will be taken care of, do not worry. As for your method of payment...

"I assure you govenor I would do anything for you. My life is in your hands."

  
Kodos told Jim to follow him to a larger room. Jim's new room. It had ample space with a bathroom/shower. He told Jim to take a shower and change into clean clothes.  
  
After he had changed he sat at the edge of the bed waiting to what Kodos had to say.

"Young man you must be hungry. We have some food for you. I want you to eat. Your brother will be fed also when he is well you have my word."  
  
"Thank you sir."

Jim thought to himself. Why was he so kind to him. Why was he spared? He was tired, and Jim's thoughts were muddled. Perhaps, he had misjudged the govenor. That  there was a reasonable explanation to what had transpired on Tarsus IV. Perhaps, Jim would find out, and help Kodos after all. The killings would end, and he could  go home. At least, that is what young James Kirk thought.

  
Jim ate the food that was offered. He hadn't realized how hungry he had been. Jim felt a pang of guilt wash over him of his friends that he met...that were now probably dead or lay dying of hunger. He couldn't do a thing for them now, maybe he could convince Kodos to locate them, and feed them as well.  
  
Kodos motioned him to sit on a couch after he had finished eating. He then spoke to him.

"James, you are better now?"  
  
"Yes, thank you sir."  
  
"I need more than your thanks."

"I offer what I can. I have no money. I am strong, if you need work to be done, I am stronger than I look."  

"No, that will not be necessary."  
  
Jim couldn't understand what was transpiring. If he didn't want money, or for him to work off his debt, what else was there? A cold feeling swept over him and he saw him approach him settling himself on the small couch. Kodos looked at him and placed his hand on his knee and squeezed.  
  
Jim shivered from the touch, surely he doesn't want that. Please God tell me I am imagining it. He knew though that he was not. Kodos's hand slowly moved to caress Jim's inner thigh resting upon his sex.  
  
Jim tried to move and found that he couldn't.   
  
"Please don't, don't do this...I beg of you. I have never been with anyone before don't rob me of that." Jim replied pleading.  
  
"Sssh..my child. You said you would do anything and I intend to collect."


	8. What My Heart Desires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know this story is not easy for most readers. I will understand if some will abandon it. But, there is a happy ending.

James Kirk felt trapped. There was no escape from the hell in front of him. Why must this happen to him? What did little Jimmy Kirk do to deserve this? Jim had never felt fear like this. This was not what he expected his first time to be. He cringed as the stroking continued.

  
"James, you must look at me. I want you to feel the pleasure I give you."  
  
"No...please stop. Don't do this to me. I beg of you. This isn't right."  
  
"Did you not promise me that you would do anything I ask of you. Are you a liar Mr. Kirk? Do you so easily forget what you told me, what you told my guards."  
  
"That was before I knew what the payment was for my brother's safety. If I had known, we would have both welcomed death."  
  
The air in the room was filled with sexual tension. Kodos felt no shame for what he was doing. He was getting aroused just thinking about what was going to happen next. He liked a challenge and James Kirk was a formidable one.  
  
"Oh...my dear child do not think that way. You are a very handsome boy. Not a man, yet. I want you to be my equal in every way. I want you to enjoy what will happen next, it could be educational."  
  
"You are a sick bastard, there is death all around us. You have killed so many. How can you stay here in your secluded environment, away from the people that lie dead in the streets by your hands and now want to have sex with me."  
  
"James, sex is to strong a word. I want to love you and you to love me. But first we must begin slow and then we shall see where it shall lead."

"I won't let you break me. I'll fight you tooth and nail."

"You will submit to me. Have you considered the alternative? Your brother is fighting for his life. When he is better he will be able to walk. Would you like your brother to be next?"

"Why do you hate me so?"

"Why would you think that my child. You are so pleasant to look at. I would never hate you. Please let me show you pleasure."

Jim realized there was no way out. He swallowed hard and let himself go. He couldn't fight him, or jeapardize his brother's life. They've gone to far together for it to end like this.

Kodos made Jim stand and he ordered him to remove his pants and then his briefs. Jim did so and sat back down next to Kodos. His sex was non-responsive at first and then his body betrayed him when Kodos began stroking his thigh and then his shaft. His penis began to lengthen with the continual steady pumping of Kodos's hand. Jim couldn't help but be aroused. He tried to avert his eyes but Kodos demanded that he watch. So he watched and marveled how his penis lengthened with every touch.

Then Kodos did something that Jim had not expected he would do. He brought Jim's sex in his mouth. Jim gasped at the sensation he was feeling. Never anyone had done this to him. He only imagined how it would feel, and he was not dissapointed. Kodos continued to suck and lick along his shaft and Jim began to moan with pleasure. Jim's testicles ached and he could feel his release was coming. He tried to warn Kodos that he was gonna come but Kodos ignored him and then Jim let out a cry of euphoria and released his semen in Kodos's throat. He swallowed every last drop that was given to him.

"Mmmm you taste good James. Tomorrow, it will be your turn to show me what you have learned. Now I shall let you rest. You will be taught many things my love..."

Kodos left and locked the door behind him. Jim wept bitter tears. he felt numb and sick to his stomach. He quickly went to the bathroom and took a shower. He lathered himself with plenty of soap and scrubbed and scrubbed his sex to get rid of the touch of Kodos on him. No matter how much he scrubbed he still felt dirty and there was no amount of soap or scrubbing that would make him clean. Defeated and exhausted his back came in contact with the wall of the shower's cubicle and he slowly slid down on the floor crying, sobbing, ignoring the now cold water touching his skin.

How he wished to be home in Iowa. To be with his parents, his own bed, running through the corn fields. Jim couldn't stop sobbing, and he prayed silently to himself for a miracle.

                                                   ****

The room in sickbay was filled with sadness and despair. Leonard McCoy had tears running down his face listening to his best friend pour out his heart and soul. He didn't know what to do for him.Bones wasn't sure if he wanted to hear the rest it hurt so much. It was almost like he was experiencing the assault himself. He couldn't possibly imagine what his dear friend was going through. All he could do he realized was to be there for him. To support him, to listen, to love him. Like a parent would comfort a child when they're hurt. He only wished that the pain would end soon because he feared it would destroy them both.

"Bones...ah Bones..don't cry friend. I lived through it. I don't want to drag you down in my pain. Maybe I said too much."

"Jim, I am sorry for not being strong enough for you. Some friend I am..."

"You are my best friend. I was going to tell you one day. I just didn't know when. It's really hard to unload this crap I have with me, but it seems to help a little, get it off my chest."

"I wish I had half the courage you have to spill your guts like that. I seriously don't think I could. I am ready though if you want to continue. Let me just check on Spock."

Leonard went toward the bio-bed and checked the readings overhead, he was stable. Dr. M'Benga had said that the healing trances for Vulcans took a while and when they are ready to be awaken you had to be there to get them out of it.

He hated that part, the violence of striking a person silly, but it was the only way, the Vulcan way. As he gazed at Spock's still form he wondered what Spock would say once they told him that he had created a bond with his captain. He would probably deny it of course. Say that it was illogical.

And there was also the business of Kodos. It sent shivers down his spine. How would Spock react to that. Time would tell.

"He is stable, Jim. We just have to wait."

"I do love him Bones. I believe I have for some time. I just couldn't tell him. I was afraid I would lose my other best friend. If he didn't feel the same way and demanded a transfer. I don't think I could stand being apart from him. I would miss him so much. He gives me so much you know. Our chess nights were a ritual between us, almost a courting.

Breakfast in the morning at the mess hall, workouts at the gym. Him on the bridge giving me sound advice. We just seem to fit, you know..."

"Yes, I know Jim." McCoy responded smiling sadly.

"What will become of us once he knows the truth? What will he think of me? What if he rejects me. What if he founds me disgusting, vile and turns away. I never thought about that Bones. What if he won't want to work with me. Oh god, please don't let that be true. I can't lose him. Our friendship, his love. It's all I have to hang on to."

"You underestimate him Jim. He'll be shocked at first. He'll understand that you had no choice. You did what you had to do. What you always do, turn despair in to a fighting chance to live."

"I just don't know Bones if it's enough to save us both."

"I believe it is. He is stronger than you give him credit for. Give him a chance."

"I hope you're right."

Leonard got up and moved close to Jim and gave him the greatest bear hug ever and gave a kiss to his cheek.

"Just know Jim you are not alone in this. I love you friend. Don't you ever forget that."

"Thanks. I needed that. You don't know how much."

Time passed between them. Jim was ready to continue.

Jim tried to sleep but he couldn't. He kept thinking about what Kodos had done to him. It made him sick. He tried last night in the shower to remove the traces of Kodos's scent upon him but no matter how much he scrubbed and lathered it still remained. Maybe not on his person but it was permanently etched in his mind.

He could not shake it and he dreaded his return. He was glad though that his brother was well. The last visit he had of him was yesterday afternoon. He was in a room a little smaller than the one he was in. He looked better but a little out of it. He assumed that Kodos was drugging his food to make him sleepy and not to coherent. An overpowering sense of loneliness invaded his mind. He felt so alone and so scared. He didn't think that Kodos would kill him. He enjoyed sex too much for that to happen. He never believed in a million years that his first sexual experience would be like this. He wanted it to be so special. First times were usually something mind blowing. That's what his brother Sam always told him.

He really liked Sam's girlfriend Aurelan. She was real cute. They made a great couple. Sam was 2 years older than him and even though he was older Jim felt like he was the older brother. He was always more serious, got good grades while his brother would goof off when it came to his studies. He was still smart but he didn't apply himself like he should. If he did he would certainly go places.

He began to wish that he also had a girlfriend like his brother. Someone to talk to when he was down, someone to hang out and have fun. All of a sudden a rush of pure hatred escaped Jim. It wasn't fair that this was happening to him. He kept asking to god why and no answer came. Finally exhausted he slept. Images began to surface and invade his mind. Erotic images, violent images interrupted his slumber. He wanted so much for those images to dissapear but no amount of wishing could make them go away.

Jim Kirk awoke to blinding light coming through the window of his room. It was morning and he felt tired, exhausted. He hadn't truly slept. He had tossed and turned all night with a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Rubbing his stomach to get rid of the ache he was surprised to find that he was hard. That had never happened to him before. When he would think of pretty girls sure it would go up but not like this. It hurt so much that his balls ached. He was about to get up when Kodos entered the room.

"It usually is polite to knock. But knowing you, common courtesy isn't one of your strong points."

"My, my, aren't we in a chipper mood. Mmmm, did you have a good dream James or would you like me to finish it for you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your little problem,or should I say big problem."

"Go fuck yourself."

"Now that would be difficult now would it. Besides, why should I when I have my little sex toy in front of me."

"You're sick..."

"Am I now."

"Very."

"I think you need some help."

"Go away."

"Oh, come on James I know you're in pain. Let me help you like I did before."

"Please don't. I can do it myself."

"On one condition, I watch."

"Why?"

"I want to."

Jim ran to the bathroom and locked the door. He quickly jerked off. After he was done he came out and smirked his Kirk smirk at Kodos.

"That was not wise James. For that you will be punished."

"Go to hell."

"James we are already in hell, but you my child are my little piece of heaven, to do as I wish. Now, what kind of punishment should I make you do. I suppose a little bit of yesterday would be fun except it's your turn to taste. I must warn you though, no biting."

"No."

"I insist, or your brother gets something else than the medicine he's getting. Would be a shame considering he was getting so much better."

"Get it over with."

Jim did what he was supposed to do and hated every minute of it. When he was done he quickly ran back to the bathroom and made himself throw up. He found a bottle of mouth wash and almost drank the stuff to get the taste of semen out of his mouth. He then found a toothbrush and paste and brushed his teeth til his gums bled. When he left the bathroom Kodos was gone. Jim Kirk felt so low he wanted to die. He would kill himself if he could but he kept thinking of his brother in his place and couldn't imagine his brother living through this hell, and besides he had no strength in him to do it or courage for that matter. He crawled back in to bed and wept again.

 It was mid-afternoon and Jim heard a knock on the door. He thought it was Kodos, but decided it couldn't be him because he never knocked. He went to the door and asked who it was.

"Who is it?"

"Hey, it's me little brother, let me in."

Jim was so happy to hear that voice. He opened the door and grabbed his brother and brought him inside.

"Oh, god it is so good to see you. You feeling better? They're still treating you okay? I'm suprised they let you out."

"What are you talking about Jimmy? Kodos said to me that we were guests here until help arrives."

"Oh, he said that did he. Did you get a chance to talk to him much?"

"A little, he seemed to be a nice likable guy. I just can't believe what happened outside. All those people dead, we were sure lucky it wasn't us. I suppose our aunt and uncle didn't make it."

"I wish I knew."

"Jimmy is there something wrong you look tired?"

"No, I am fine. Don't worry about me."

"You saved my ass out there. I don't remember it all but I know you did everything you could to make me safe. My little brother is alot stronger than I give him credit for. I don't say it enough, hell I never actually said it to you, it's kinda mushy. I love you, you know."

"Yes I know you do."

Jim began to realize that Kodos had somehow drugged him to believe that they were his guests instead of prisoners. God, if he knew what Kodos had done to him he was sure he'd kill him without thinking twice, even forfeiting his life in the process. That could not happen so he continued the charade.

"Soon will be home Sam you needn't worry."

"Who is worrying. You seem to be worrying for the both us. God, am I tired. Gonna go hit the hay. That's funny, that's all I seem to do lately, is sleep. Later Jim."

Jim didn't want his brother to leave fearing it might be the last time he would see him. He quickly gathered him in his arms and held him tight.

"I knew you would get all mushy on me. I got to go, see you tomorrow."

Jim just stared at the door as his brother left him alone with his thoughts.


	9. What My Heart Desires

It was late evening when Jim was thinking about his brothers visit. He wished he had stayed longer it was too short. He felt strange being in charge of his big brother. He was the younger one, it wasn't fair that fate had dealt him this hand. If only someone else could take over, to make the decisions. It just wasn't something a teenager was prepared for. James Kirk had to face the truth, he was dealt a bad hand, but he wasn't going to jeopardize his brother's life, to be a coward now.    
  
The door slowly opened, breaking Jim's train of thought.   
  
Kodos entered the room without knocking, which was becoming the norm. He gazed at the young man, sitting on the bed. He instructed James to come towards him. James complied reluctantly.   
  
"Did you miss me James?" Kodos replied flirtatiously.   
  
"Of course not." Jim replied coldly.   
  
"Too bad, I missed you." Kodos replied touching Jim under his chin. Jim turned away from the touch, like it burned.   
  
"What do you want of me? Besides the obvious."    
  
"I see your brother came to visit."   
  
"Yes he did. I didn't realize we were guests here. That is what my brother thinks. Why did you drug him? He has no idea what's going on, what evil you have brought upon me and the people here on Tarsus IV. My god man, you have killed half the population."   
  
"You don't understand James what I did. I did it because it was necessary. The supply of food is limited, and I believed and still do, that a decision had to be made. The weak and the old cannot continue to live when the rest of us are more strong more useful to society."   
  
"What about the very young? Are you fucking around elsewhere besides doing it with me?"   
  
Kodos cringed at the word. Kodos had others, in the past, but never one so young. James was someone quite different. He was much wiser beyond his years.   
  
"No James I am not. You are my precious one. To love and to cherish, there is no other but you. About your brother, I had to curb his enthusiasm. I need him for leverage. If he dies well I know you would surely want to die with him and I cannot allow that."   
  
"What did you come here for anyway? Or, I can take a guess. Do I strip now or later?"   
  
"Not today my child. Today I have something else in mind. I want you to read something for me."   
  
"What is it you want me to read?" James asked curiously.   
  
"Have you heard the works of William Shakespeare?"   
  
"Yes. I enjoy Shakespeare." Jim responded, wishing he had curbed his enthusiasm.   
  
"As do I. There is a passage I want you to read. I have always enjoyed his work. I even think of myself sometimes as an actor who plays many parts. Maybe, I shall perform. I do enjoy the theatre. This is what I want you to read, and you must read it with sincerity and conviction."   
  
Jim looked at the PADD he showed him and laughed.   
  
"You expect me to grovel at your feet and read this?"   
  
"Yes I do."   
  
"I won't do it." Jim through the PADD right back at Kodos which he caught in one hand.   
  
"James, don't be such a stubborn child. I wish for you to read it."   
  
Jim bit his lip and asked softly.   
  
"Do I have a choice?"   
  
"No, you do not."   
  
"When are your sick games going to end Kodos. You need help."   
  
"Silence!! On with the play. You must be submissive while reading."   
  
Jim looked at the PADD and quickly looked at it and handed it back to him. He knew the part by heart which pleased Kodos immensely. Jim began to recite.   
  
"Sonnet LVII Shakespeare. Being your slave, what should I do but tend upon the hours and times of your desire? I have no precious time at all to spend, nor services to do, till you require.    
  
Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you, nor think the bitterness of absence sour when you have bid your servant once adieu; nor dare I question with my jealous thought where you may be, or your affairs suppose, but, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought. Save, where you are how happy you make those. So true a fool is love that in your will. Though you do anything, he thinks no ill."   
  
"What voice. You were breathtaking."   
  
"Now leave. I did what you said now I am going to bed."   
  
"Not just yet James. I haven't marked my slave."


	10. What My Heart Desires

James Kirk felt a chill going down his spine. Did Kodos just told him that he had to mark him as his slave. He can't possibly be that nuts? Or could he? Jim looked into his eyes. Those eyes said it all. They say the eyes are the portal to one's soul. If that were true his soul died along time ago with every shred of decency that came with it. James soul was about to follow his masters.  
  
"Did you hear me James? What do you think of my declaration?"  
  
"That you're not functioning on all thrusters."  
  
"Funny James. You should be a comedian. I meant what I said, you will be mine to have and to possess."  
  
Jim was getting worried that maybe the executions that he had ordered were getting to him. Maybe, he just lost it and was giving in to delusions of godhood. Whatever it was, James Kirk was scared shitless.  
  
Kodos ordered the guards to enter. There were only two. Strong muscular men, one was holding something peculiar in his hand. On closer examination it dawned on him that this item was a branding iron. Jim recoiled in horror. He could see the billowing smoke escaping the end of it. It wasn't very big but the fact that he intended to use it on him sent spikes of fear shooting all along his body. He was so scared that he couldn't stop trembling.  
  
"James please do not worry the pain will not last."  
  
"Are you bloody serious? Please don't do this, I beg of you. Fuck me instead, you haven't penetrated me yet,do that, not this."  
  
"They'll be plenty of time for that. Guard please give me the item and then I want you to hold my captive."  
  
Jim tried to escape but the men were too strong. They held his arms one on each side. Kodos brought the item in full view of him. It was very small but it still frightened him.  
  
"Now where would be a good spot? Yes... I know the perfect spot. Near the pulse point of your left wrist. I had this made for us. Let us begin."  
  
"Please, no.!!! I will scream like you never heard anyone scream."  
  
"Guard cover his mouth with your hand. James please remember, if you bite my guards they will ask for payment for a bad deed."  
  
"Yes, it's been a long time since I haven't gotten a good blowjob and my friend here is in need of one too. Hell, bite me little man, I long for your cock sucking lips on my flesh."  
  
"Enough. He is mine and no other. Proceed."  
  
The smell of burnt skin and hair permeated the room. Jim cried in agony and then it was over. His wrist throbbed from the pain. Kodos actually gave him some ice for it. Jim looked at what he etched in his skin. It said J/K. The guards let him go and Jim so desperately wanted it gone but that was impossible. It was permanently seared into his skin.  
  
The guards left dissapointed. Only Kodos and himself remained.  
  
"Do you know why I used those initials? They fit us so perfectly. They can be interpreted as your initials or just us. The slash symbol reminds me of fiction that I read many years ago. Have you heard of slash fiction James. Quite popular in the late 20th and early 21st century. It is the pairing of two men in sexual conduct usually written by women. They seem to believe that they know what we want. Maybe they do. Perhaps they shall write something of us one day."  
  
James stared blankly through him and held the ice to his wrist. It felt a little better but it still stinged.  
  
"Please leave me, haven't you broken me enough?"  
  
"Please don't feel that way. You are very special to me. You will accept this, and you will come to me."  
  
"Never."  
  
"Time will tell my child. Goodnight."  
  
He watched Kodos leave, as he passed out from shock.  
  
****  
McCoy's heart broke in tiny pieces. He wanted so much to ease the sadness and pain his best friend was feeling but all he could give him were simple words. That he was there for him, that Jim was a brave human being and that he would get through this because Jim Kirk was a man who would never give up. Proof being, he continued to live his life, besides the turmoil Kodos inflicted upon him and became the youngest captain in Starfleet. He studied hard and perservered. Still the pain of what had happened to his friend stayed with him and he couldn't seem to shake the feeling.  
  
"You know you're pretty amazing."  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"How you managed through all this, and that it you didn't give up."  
  
"Bones, like I said before, it's complicated. Sam and I were held captive there for ten days. He manipulated me, brainwashed me, abused me. I never felt so ashamed. The day after the branding I believe that was the 6th day he began to change. I also began to change Bones. I was getting weak and didn't have the energy anymore to fight him emotionally and physically. You know the saying 'if you can't beat them join them.' I'm afraid to say I did join him."  
  
"You must realize that it wasn't your fault that he was breaking you. You had no control over the situation he did. It's called Stockholm Syndrome.  
  
Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, where strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other."  
  
"Yes. That's how it felt. He did have control. I remember it all too well. I remember finding a long sleeved shirt in the closet of my room. I felt so cold and I changed into it. I liked that shirt for it covered up my marking on my skin. I was about to put the shirt tail in my pants when he entered and told me not to bother because I wasn't going wear it for very long. I stopped and he came forward and began to unbutton it. He ran his hand down my chest and it felt so good. My body was beginning to betray me and no matter how I demanded it not to respond my brain just wouldn't listen. He decided that he waited long enough and we had sex. He was gentle at the beginning and then went wild towards the end scaring the shit out of me. I can only tell you Bones that when he hit my prostate gland I just...couldn't speak."  
  
"Funny thing that prostate gland."

"After he penetrated me he cleaned me up and then he left. I was sore understandably, god my head was messed up. This thing between us continued to the 9th day of my captivity. He was always the one who came down on me. It changed on the 10th."  
  
James Kirk waited, what was keeping him? It was late evening and he hadn't come. Where the hell was he? Jim began to pace back and forth in his room almost wearing out the carpet underneath his feet. He had literally become a sex addict wanting his next fix. Everytime he'd enter the room Jim's sex would instantly begin to rise in arousal and he hadn't even touched him. Jim couldn't stand it anymore and went to the door and tried the knob and was surprised to discover that it wasn't locked. He gladly left the room and sought out his. He located his room and didn't knock. The door opened and he was there.  
  
"James, what are you doing here?"  
  
"I was wondering when you were coming, you were late."  
  
"I was detained and I wasn't sure if I should do it to you again tonight. I got carried away yesterday and I don't want to hurt you my child."  
  
"So you were gonna come and see me like before?"  
  
"Yes, unless your thinking something different."  
  
"Actually I am, for today you Kodos are my slave to do as I please."


	11. Chapter 11

_Jim violently pushed Kodos in his room and closed the door behind him. He began to remove his clothes, and his captor's as well. When they were both naked Jim pushed him hard on the bed and broke his first promise he had told Kodos and kissed him hard. His tongue found entry and he began to explore the warm caverns in his mouth bringing him hard instantly. Kodos realized that James was out of control due to his continuous nightly visits. James wanted him badly, but Kodos wasn't sure this was what he wanted. He had to decide soon, or it would be too late._

_"My my James, we are very enthusiastic." Kodos said as he tried to get a word in while James was devouring him alive._

_"Oh, I think you're enjoying it."_

_"Perhaps, I am. But, before we go any further, we should make a toast." Kodos said as he placed a hand in front of Jim's mouth to prevent him from entering  further._

_"You can't be serious? I want you, I need you now." James replied hungrily._

_"All in good time." Kodos replied._

_Kodos managed to get up. He walked to a cabinet near his desk and pulled out a bottle of red wine he had saved for a special occasion._

_His back turned he removed two glasses from the cabinet._

_"Please, it will only be for a moment James, and we can continue."_

_"Look, I really don't care to drink anything. I just want to..."_

_"I know what you desire James." He slowly removed the cork in the bottle and poured the contents in each glass._

_James Kirk was anxious, and felt very frustrated at the moment. He decided if he wanted to share a drink, fine. The faster it would be done, the quicker the fun shall begin. Hell, it could even enhance the experience between them._

_"Fine, I'll have a glass."_

_Both naked and not a care in the world, they both held a glass and drank. Kodos savored it while James found it hard to finish._

_"I see you are not a connoisseur of the good things in life. In due time my child, in due time."_

_"As you can see Kodos, I have finished my drink. Now, can we get down to business.?" Jim asked impatiently._

_"Of course." Kodos took the glasses and placed them on the desk and returned to Jim._

_"You desire me James?"_

_"Yes." James replied._

_"Then take what is yours."_

_James grabbed Kodos in a crushing embrace..._

  _The light from the window blinded me and I held my hand up to shield from it.  I was surprised to find that I was fully clothed.  Did I imagine having sex with him Kodos? I was sure I had.  My vision noticed a figure to the left of me and I thought it was Kodos.  Fear overwhelmed me for  a moment, and then the person standing before me was not human, he had pointed ears._

  _"Who are you, what's going on?"_

  _"Greetings, my name is Setek.  I did not want to wake you.  I must inform you that on behalf of my people we offer assistance.  We have begun the process of cleansing.   It is time to leave here.  What is your name?"_

  _"Jim, my name is James Kirk."_

  _"You may be in need of medical assistance."_

James Kirk didn't care.

  _"Where is my brother?"_

  _"We did find someone in this building. He goes by the name of  George."_

_"That's my brother. George Samuel. I call him Sam."_

_"I will send for him." The Vulcan replied as he was about to leave._

_"Wait!!! Where is Kodos?" James asked frantically._

_"I do not know, we are examining the ruins from the massacre."_

  _Jim and Setek left the room and almost got knocked down from an enthusiastic older brother._

  _"You did it Jimmy, you made it happen.  Mom and dad are gonna be so proud of you.  I won't stop singing your praise little brother."_

  _Jim looked at his brother and was so happy to see that he looked much better.  He thought of Kodos and felt betrayed.  Kodos left him alone, no explanation, nothing._

  _James Kirk was never gonna forget that betrayal._


	12. Chapter 12

~~~~_The feeling of tension began to ease slightly in sickbay.  Jim had said in quite detail what had happened to him all those years ago. The weight that had pulled him down over the years was finally beginning to lift._

 

_Dr. McCoy listened to his friend spilling his guts.  It certainly was shocking to say the least.  How could anyone  live through that hell and function normally?  I guess it all depends what someone defines normal._

_"So the Vulcans saved the day.  I'm surprised Spock didn't rub it in my face when we suspected Karidian was Kodos all those years ago."_

_"Well, I believe it was a joint effort Bones, others followed to help.  What he did there was unforgivable, the killing, the mayhem.  He deemed it was necessary for the survival of the colony.  If only help would have arrived sooner."_

_"Not only that Jim, we wouldn't be having this conversation if he hadn't done what he did to you.  How sick can a man be?  He was around thirty and you were just a teenager.  Heck, I_ _have nothing against love of any kind but to take advantage of someone so young. God, if he had done that to my daughter I wouldn't think twice castrating there. My words may be harsh but that's how I feel."_

_"I don't disagree with you Bones.  I wish I could have not succumbed to his needs and mine.  You'll never know the shame I feel just thinking about myself giving in to him."_

_"Did it effect you later on in life?  How was it when you started dating?"_

_"It was not easy Bones.  I didn't trust anyone.  I threw myself in my studies.  I wanted  to get far away from Iowa as possible and make it to space.  My grades were real good at the Academy.  I remember the first day when I met my roommate.  We got along pretty good.  He was always running after the girls, but he was smart.  He didn't have to study, it came naturally to him.  So I had my nose in a book while he went partying.  I even remember the nickname he gave me.  James R. Kirk."_

_"I thought your middle name was Tiberius."_

_"It is.  My roommate decided to change it to R.  James Read it all Kirk.  Because I read everything I could get my hands on.  Not the PADD's either I fancied the old style books.  I loved the smell of them.  Anyways, one day he had enough and dragged me out of there to go women hunting.  That's when I lost my virginity a second time.  Her name was Carol.  A little blond lab technician.  Hot stuff.  I was happy, but it didn't last.  She found out later that she liked women too and that I didn't do it for her.  So we went our separate ways.  To this day I don't know what she's doing."_

_"Jesus Jim, you do know how to pick them."_

_"Well, my life continued,  I had sex with other nameless faces, mostly women.  Then one day I met someone I didn't think I would fall for."_

_"I think you mentioned him at the beginning. I don't believe I ever met him._

_"No, you didn't. but Spock did.  He was my roommate. He died."_

_"I'm sorry Jim.  I didn't know he passed away.  That must have been hard."_

_"It was, especially when I think I could have done something to prevent it.  I still feel that I killed him.  I can never shake that feeling. His name was Gary. Gary Mitchell._

 

__


	13. Chapter 13

Jim Kirk laid another shocker when he found out that his best friend had a relationship with another male friend. McCoy rolled his eyes and just sighed. 

"What am I Jim, chopped liver?" McCoy asked feeling a bit left out.

"Seriously Bones, I didn't think you were interested." Kirk replied, humor laced in his response.

"That's fine. I opened my big mouth before speaking. So the sex was good?"

"One word: prostate."

"That word again. Enough, we're getting off topic. What I want to know is how did this relationship come about?"

"Are you being my psychiatrist, doctor? Do you think because of my first sexual encounter with Kodos, I became bi-sexual?"

"I'm not psychoanalyzing you Jim. I'm here as a friend." McCoy said, his voice reassuring.

"Well, it happened by accident, really. I had an exam I was studying for and I was ticked off that he didn't want to help me out. He hates to study, but he's one of the lucky ones, he doesn't have to. He begged me to come with him, he had a date that night and he wanted to show her off at some club. I said I was studying and I couldn't go. I could tell he was disappointed that I didn't tag along. Maybe, he wanted me around that if there was ever a fight I'd be there to back him up. He often gets in brawls." 

Academy Years

"Jim are you sure you don't want to come?" Gary asked, almost pleading.

"I'm sorry Gary, but I can't. I really need to study if I want to ace this test."

"Come on Jim, have fun with me and Irene tonight. Maybe, you'll get lucky. I know a girl by the name of Janice Lester, she's gonna be there tonight I am sure you'll sweep her off her feet." Gary said, his enthusiasm building.

"Maybe, next time. I really have to study. Rain check, I promise." Jim said as he continued to look over the subject material he was studying.

"All right. I'll hold you to it." 

Later on that night, James Kirk continued to study while his best friend was out on the town, accompanied by one pretty lady. After four hours of studying Jim realized that he had enough and decided to turn in. He was about to change, when he heard someone outside the door of his dorm. Jim could hear someone trying to punch in the code to open the door. Jim, opened the door and Gary almost crashed into Jim's arms. He was shit faced drunk and he had been crying. Jim had never seen his friend cry before so he thought someone had died. Jim steadied him on his feet and asked what had happened. 

"Jim, Jimmy she, she dumped me." Gary said, his voice sounded slurred from the alcohol he had consumed.

"What? You're crying over a woman. Damn it Gare, you've had plenty before, what is so different with this one?"

"You really are a jerk Kirk. Haven't you ever fell in love before? Sparks fly, you're in heaven, everything all around you is wonderful, you're on a high. Remember?"

"Sorry it hasn't happened to me yet." Jim replied matter of fact.

"Well, than I really feel sorry for you."

"Look, I'm sorry for what happened to you Gary. You didn't deserve that especially since you've been with her for what, over six months. These things happen, I wish I could help you feel better. I don't know what to say." Jim said, trying to be supportive.

"At this moment I feel fucking worthless. Plus, I drank too much which is giving me splitting headache. I really liked her you know. I really, really thought she was the one for me. Top it all off, she dumps me for Finnegan." Gary said as he finally slumped down hard on the couch.

Jim followed him to the couch and sat down next to him

"You can't be serious? What the hell does she see in him? Ah, Gary I'm so sorry. I wish she knew the guy I know. You are my best friend and if your ex doesn't see what a caring, loving guy you are, than she wasn't worth your time, you deserve better."

Gary almost sobered up there on the spot. No one had ever spoken to him like that.

"You really mean that don't you? I have never had a good friend like you. I'm glad we're roommates. Sometimes, I wish we were more than..."

"Gary you really don't wan't to go there. You're drunk and ..."

"Jim I think I'm falling for you. I believe Kirk, that you feel the same way."

Back in Sickbay

McCoy was rolling his eyes in sickbay. Jim was explaining to his best friend how he ended up going out with Gary Mitchell. 

"So, that was it then. You guys just had your way with each other."

"No Bones, we didn't jump each other. if you're asking. You don't think I can control myself. This was my best friend, he was drunk and he had just broken up with his girlfriend. Talk about rebound. I got some coffee into him and put him to bed. The next morning we talked. He actually remembered what he said and he was still adamant about his feelings. I told him that we should think about it before jumping into something that we may regret later. We really listened to each other and talked a lot. I found out to my surprise, that I was feeling something towards him and he had had a crush on me since the beginning. So we decided to act upon it to see if it would go anywhere and it went well."

"I see. How long did it last if you don't mind me asking?"

"It lasted about two months because my best friend decided to explore other frontiers without telling me about it. I actually found him in our bed,with the woman that dumped him."

"Ouch. That must have been painful."

"It was. I really trusted him Bones and he screwed around. I told him it was over and he really didn't want it to end, that he said he made a mistake. We parted, but actually remained friends, nonetheless."

"May I ask how he died?"

Jim felt pain in his heart when McCoy asked him the question.

"When I got the Enterprise he signed aboard with me. We were suppose the cross the barrier and when we tried we got something in exchange. It somehow affected Gary and Dr. Dehner. Gary was first, he had incredible powers and then it just got out of control. It happened to Dr. Dehner after. They were both unstoppable Bones. There was nothing I could do to bring Gary back. I still remember the conversation I had with Spock. He told me I had to kill him while I had the time. I told him to try for one moment of feeling. To at least act like he had a heart. But deep down, I knew I had no choice but to maroon him down on Delta Vega. Dr. Dehner saw how much he was changing and realized that it frightened her. She saw what she would become if it continued. She drained the power that he had sacrificing herself to give me time to defeat him. It worked, and he was gone. I kept thinking perhaps there was something I could have done. I felt utterly helpless Bones, like with Kodos.

Gary and I were so close and he became a stranger to me. He manipulated me, made me beg on my knees in front of him. He also called me James. Gary never called me that. That's why I am afraid Bones, what if the same thing happens to Spock. I keep leaving a trail of death behind me. Relationships don't seem to work for me. What if I hurt the one person who truly loves me. Spock deserves better."

"Now hold on here. Don't you think Spock is capable of making his own decisions. We don't know where life leads us Jim. Hell, if I didn't marry my ex-wife I wouldn't have had my daughter. The marriage didn't work but there were good times. I have a daughter Jim. You know the saying: "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." Take that chance Jim, I don't believe you'll regret it. Besides, there's always that prostate thing to look forward too." McCoy smiled.

Jim laughed and cried at the same time. 

"You're a great friend, Bones." Jim said with affection. This was good for me, to talk about it, but I think I'm going to go for a long rest. Let me know if there is any change in Spock?"

"Will do. Do you want some red pills, they usually do the trick?"

"No that's fine Bones. I still want my head intact if ever Spock wakes up. Thanks anyway. "About Cessna III I owe you."

"You bet you do and I'll hold you to it."

Jim left sickbay leaving McCoy with his thoughts.

"God, I need a fuckin' drink."

Just as McCoy was heading for the bottle of saurian brandy the readings over Spock's bed started to fluctuate. Spock was beginning to waken.

 

McCoy muttered to himself. "Now the fun begins."


	14. Chapter 14

Sickbay

 

"Again! harder! Again, again!" Spock asked. His voice was raw from the continuous demands.

Spock was breathing heavily. He was slowly coming around.

McCoy continued to strike him, his hands were beginning to go numb.

"Nurse Chapel please contact Dr. M'Benga, I do believe I saw him in the mess hall. Tell him Spock is coming around. I'd rather not page him over the intercom. It's best no one knows Spock's condition."

"Of course, Doctor McCoy. I'll be back as soon as I can." She was about to leave when she felt such concern for the alien lying there in the bio-bed. 

McCoy noticed the look right away.

"He should be out of his trance soon Christine, now please, hurry." 

"I will." the nurse answered and left sickbay moments later.

Dr. McCoy continued striking Spock repeatedly. Minutes later Dr. M'Benga entered sickbay and took over.

 

Spock began to pant, trying to catch his breath. His breathing became less labored as he calmed his mind. He finally awoke from his slumber, fully cognizant.

"That will be quite sufficient." said Spock grabbing Dr.M'Benga's hand in mid-strike.

"Well it's about bloody time you woke up. I thought sleeping beauty was going to be needin' a kiss soon and it wasn't gonna be from me."

"I regret I have been deliquent in my duties and for whatever reason I am in sickbay it has passed. I shall now return to the bridge and continue my work."

"Now hold on a minute. Aren't you gonna ask us why you were here in the first place. It usually takes a lot to make a Vulcan collapse in his quarters."

Spock stopped in his tracks, McCoy was blocking his exit.

 

"We need to talk Spock and it ain't gonna be pretty."

 

"I do not understand." Spock said as he questioned McCoy's statement.

 

"That's why I'm here to explain it to you. If there is something I have no clue about we have Dr. M'Benga to relay the information.

First up your relationship with Jim."

"My relationship with the captain is professional. I do not know what answers you seek. We are what you humans would describe us as good friends nothing more."

 

"Is it now? Are you beginning to experience a slight pressure around your temples. Like a headache is coming on."

"Why Doctor McCoy, I did not realize you had psychic abilities."

"I don't. I'll bet though that right at this moment thoug the captain is experiencing a headache as well."

"Why would you think that the captain should experience the same migraine that I am experiencing?"

"Because my Vulcan friend you and Jim are bonded."

"That is not possible. If such a link existed I would certainly know about it. The captain and I have not engaged in any extra curricular activities."

"You meaning you haven't had sex right?"

 

"Yes, that is correct. The captain has not shown any sexual advances towards me. Why would you assume otherwise."

"There must be something that stands out. Jim usually lets people know when he's interested."

"I believe that is correct. Since he has not shown any interest towards me your questioning is irrelevant."

"Now hold on, just because he hasn't jumped your bones in the turbolift or play footsies under the table does not mean he doesn't care."

"Explain."

"First do you need anything for the headache?"

"It is manageable for the moment. I would appreciate though the knowledge you seem to think you have about our relationship."

 

"Spock they're plenty instances that I've witnessed between the two of you. Don't you both love to play chess together, how about breakfast in the mess hall. There is also the invading of your personal space, the way he comes up close to you when he speaks. So close that you can feel his breath upon your neck. The way he purposely brushes against you but feigns innocence,, excusing himself pretending that it was an accident when he knows perfectly well what he is trying to do. When he leaves your presence all you have left is the last notes of his cologne. Am I going overboard here? Stop me if I'm wrong."

 

Spock stood his ground but he could not speak. What the doctor had said had some merit. 

"You seem to believe what you say. The captain though has always enjoyed the company of women. Why would he be interested in myself?"

 

"Because he's in love with you. The bond I talked about isn't completely formed. I truly believe he wants to complete his task. Now the rest is up to you Spock."

Spock needed to see Jim.

"I shall leave you Dr. McCoy, I will speak with the captain and get the answers I seek."

"Good luck Spock. Be gentle with him, he has been through a lot lately. Try parking your logic in neutral when you do speak with him. I believe he'd appreciate it."

"Thank you doctor."

 

Spock left sickbay to see his friend.


	15. Chapter 15

_Spock walked slowly toward Jim's cabin.  He had much to think about, but the length it took from sickbay to Jim's was short. Would it give him enough time to evaluate the situation?  Many thoughts raced through his mind.  He could not fathom how a bond had sprung between them.  There must be a logical explanation for it.  Could it be possible that the captain had feelings for him?_ _Spock said in his mind. Two years on board the Enterprise, two long years. Is it conceivable that my desires could be met?  Time was up, Jim's door was waiting to be opened._

 

_Jim's Quarters_

 

_Spock raised his hand and rang the buzzer.  He waited for the occupant_

_to respond.  Then a familiar voice spoke._

 

_"Come."_

 

_The doors opened to reveal Jim semi-clothed.  Jim's jaw dropped when he saw his Vulcan friend in front of him.  He believed it was Dr. McCoy wanting to check how he was doing. So it was a shock, to see the motionless being a moment ago and to now seem him awake and moving.  He was moving all right, moving towards him._

 

_"Spock, I can't believe it.  You're awake, and your walking.  Why didn't Bones tell me that he released you?" Jim smiled  as he looked over his first officer for any signs of distress._

 

_"I confess, I asked Dr. McCoy if I could see you." Spock said almost shyly._

 

_Jim realized all of a sudden that he was shirtless. For some reason, this made him quite uncomfortable._

 

_"Dr. M'Benga and Dr. McCoy believe that I have formed a temporary link between us.  That this connection between us is not yet complete or strong enough to continue, unless other methods of completion are sought after."_

 

_"Just before you came I had the most horrific headache.  I was about to call Bones for something, to make the pain go away, but now it's gone.  Just now!! The moment you entered the door.  What is happening between us Spock?  We have known each other for over two years now.  Has our friendship evolved into something more?"_

 

_"I do not know Jim.  I also experienced discomfort, such as you and it also has disappeared the closer I came to your quarters.  It is logical to assume that somehow this link may exist."_

_"I agree, Spock." Jim replied._

 

_Spock started to pace,  as he placed his hands behind his back trying to find the words._

_He stopped abruptly and said:_

 

_"The link that is present between us may have started when my bond to T'pring was severed.  When we fought each other I may have inadvertently tied my mind to yours.  It has perhaps been dormant and slowly growing ever since."_

 

_"I believe you may be right."_

 

_"Forgive me, Jim. I did not mean to cause you any harm. It was not my intention.  It has been difficult for me to assess situations like these when logic serves no purpose.  My mind has always been ruled by logic for it to be ruled by emotion leaves me with more questions than answers.  But I must admit to you, that your mere presence, when you are near me calms both my two halves.  I have never experienced this with another.  It is, most intriguing."_

 

_" It wasn't your fault Spock. You couldn't mate, your wife to be pretty much dumped you for another, talk about sexual frustration. Do you want to know when I began to feel something between us?  It was just after Gary died.  I needed someone so bad to fill that hole in my heart.  Bones wasn't on the ship yet, but you were.  To borrow a phrase, the mere sight of you fascinated me.  With your logic and my sometimes erratic emotions, they seemed to dance together in unison, completing each other.  I also have never experienced something so right." Jim said as he looked at Spock, with love in his eyes._

_Spock broke Jim's happy mood when he asked him a question._

_"Jim, Dr. McCoy mentioned to me that events in your past have come to the surface.  May I  know what those events are?"_

 

_"I have dreaded to tell you,  for fear of rejection, but you should know what happened if we want to move forward in our relationship.  Is it possible for you to meld with me and I'll relay the information this way.  I would like to choose what you see for it may overwhelm you, if you see too much."_

 

_"Yes, it is possible.  May I do it now?"_

 

_"Yes." Jim said without hesitation._

 

_Spock slowly approached his friend and laid his fingers in the familiar position of his future bondmate.  When they joined together swirling colors emerged enveloping them in a rainbow of light.  Spock slowly tapped into Jim's mind while he tried to relax, closing his eyes.  Violent emotions began to pour into Spock.  The shock of another being with Jim invaded his mind.  RAPE...NO...this cannot be.  You were merely a child.  KODOS...MURDERER...OF CHILDREN....DEATH EVERYWHERE...SEX...LUST...POWER...DOMINATION..._

_SUBMISSION, LOVE, COMPASSION, ANGER, HATRED, FEAR, GREED, ANTICIPATION, SADNESS, JOY._

 

_"Please Spock you must stop...you are taking too much too quickly.  Please stop." Jim pleaded in Spock's mind._

 

_Spock slowly removed his hand from Jim's face.  Jim looked at him with such love.  Spock though was shaking and his face was wet.  Jim brought his hand to his friends face and touched the tears with his fingers brushing them off.  Don't be sad Spock I lived through it.  It made me stronger.  Please, if you must feel sadness feel more for the children that died, not me.  Take the strength I give you also.  Feel the love between us."_

 

_"I love you Jim."_

 

_"I love you too my friend."_

 

_They melted moments later in each others arms._

 

 


End file.
